Here is my short list of spotting a donkey at the table:
Plays more than 8 hands an hour;
Sees every flop at any cost;
Can’t laydown big pairs like A-A, K-K, Q-Q, or J-J when the correct move is fold;
Always calls and never raises;
Doubles or triples up (or better) but always leaves the poker room scratching their broke ass;
Are you a solid player or a donkey?
Whoever said that poker is the only sport without a handicap was wrong.
Dead wrong.
I crushed a cash game yesterday. With all the easy money gone, I decided to play a small tournament.
My rationale? I was freerolling from the cash game. In hindsight, I pissed away 80 bucks.
I am at a table with several strong players, several weak players, and one big donkey.
What do I look for when hunting donkeys? Ones that play every pot at any cost and win with sheer luck.
These players never raise. They have three tools: call, call, and call.
I was playing perfectly. Right hands, right position, right reads.
Flash forward two hours into the tournament.
I am sitting on an above average chip stack. Exactly where I want to be.
The players at my end of the table are talking about The Donkey and how he has played every hand and wins on the river.
I make a comment about having to go all-in against him to push him off a marginal hand. I think to myself that this play may not be enough.
A few minutes later, I get the chance to put this into action.
I get K-Q in late position and raise.
Normally, I would limp in, but I wanted to build a pot then take it down on the flop if I hit a pair or better.
So, I raise 10X the big blind.
The Donkey is in early position and he is my only customer.
Now, keep in mind that I have been building a table image so far by showing every uncalled winning hand. I have shown A-A, K-K, a set of 10s, and 8-8. I have also been calling out other player’s hands.
In fact, have not lost a hand yet.
All for naught.
The flop comes K-10-7 rainbow.
My customer checks.
I feel he is weak. If I go slow, he could draw out on me.
I decide to play it fast and hope he folds.
“I am all-in,” I declare.
He pauses.
This call is for half his stack.
If he folds, it will be his first fold of the day.
He counts out the chips.
“You are way behind here. You are a 4-to-1 dog right now and are getting only 1 1/2-to-1 to call,” I tell him.
“I got a hand,” he says.
“You do. You have the losing hand.”
“How the fuck do you know what I got?” he asks.
“The problem here is you don’t know what I got. At best, you have bottom pair. You need to get real lucky to win this hand.”
He throws the chips in.
I show top pair.
He gets pissed and slams his cards down.
Sure enough, he has 9-7 off.
The turn is a 4.
One card away from either a double up or a bust out.
The river? A fucking 9.
The worst feeling in the world is playing it right, putting it in good, and getting beat by pure luck.
Did he get lucky or did I get unlucky?
I am not sure, but I know this: bad players seem to have an abundance of good luck.
In retrospect, I should have just checked it down. If he bets, that would tell me he hit two pair or better.
How someone can call off half their stack on bottom pair is beyond my ability to rationalize.
But then again, these kinds of players play poker like the slot machines: put the money in, pull the lever, and hope for the best.
I was in a $2 - $100 spread limit Texas Hold’Em game the other night. Before I disclose the hole cards, let me first describe the action in this exciting hand.
I am in the big blind. Someone in middle position makes it $7 to go. Four players called.
I pump it up to $27.
Everyone folds around to the original raiser and he calls. The four original callers fold.
We are now heads up.
I put the player on a hand like 10-10 or J-J or maybe A-K.
The flop comes 8-8-7.
I bet out $15.
My opponent raises me to $50.
I think my original read is good. I do not put my opponent on pocket 8s. Why would he raise me with a cinch hand?
I re-raise to $150.
He makes it $250.
Is he stuck on a big pocket pair? Is he stuck on A-K, or what Amarillo Slim calls Big Broke?
I cap it out at $350.
The turn card is a K.
I am pot committed, so I put the player all-in for another $100. He calls.
The river card is a 3.
My opponent proudly turns over J-J.
I have no idea what hand he put me on, if he was capable of putting me on a hand at all.
I re-raised him pre-flop and re-raised him after the flop. To me, this would signal strength better than J-J.
I flopped a full house with my pocket sevens.
I could have been beat on fourth or fifth street with an overcard based on my read that my opponent had a higher pocket pair. This is the reason I bet the boat hard once I was re-raised.
In retrospect, I had two things going in my favor: dodging a Jack and having someone in the hand that got suck on pocket Jacks.
I just finished a miracle session of no limit Texas Hold’Em. The miracle started after a decent session.
All night long, the table I was seated at would break up. The rule in most casinos is you take all your chips to the new table. Not this night. I could only take the maximium buy-in. So, instead of going to the table with 3 - 4X the maximum buy-in, I was placed at a disadvantage to joining an existing table.
In most games, this would be considered going south. Floor management got it wrong. But I was ok. Just had to grind harder longer.
I join a table at 6 AM with $500 after pocketing $2,000 from the broken game. My first hand is in the big blind and I am dealt pocket 10s.
Everyone limps in, so I raise to the pot value, making it $90 to go for everyone. At this point, I am happy to take down the small pot.
The table folds around to the button. The button reraises me another $100. Small blind folds.
I ask this player how the value of his hand went from a $10 limp-in with 9 players ahead to $200. Putting him on a weak hand making a position raise, I call.
Flop comes A-K-Q rainbow. I bet $100 into the $500 pot. The button re-raises me another $100. I call.
The turn is a Jack. I check my straight. The button goes all-in for his last $100, which is my last $100.
The river was a blank. I show pocket 10s for the straight. The button? Shows me pocket Queens.
It took me about five minutes to stack the chips. Long enough to hear the speech on how unlucky he was. I agreed. But, if he raised before I acted, I most likely would have folded the 10-10 preflop.
This kicked off a miracle session. For the next four hours, I could not lose a hand. I earned another $1,500 in profit before leaving for the day.
Donkeys. Gotta love them. They never seem to know how far behind they are in a hand. And always seem to catch the miracle card on the river.
I am finally back playing after my “card dead” hiatus.
All is going well for the first hour. I double up.
Then a donkey sits down. I study him for a few minutes. Easy money. So, I stay.
He bluffs me off a flush draw. No problem. I am patient, but I tell him I folded Jacks after he showed me a 3 high (ok, I had only one Jack).
This guy is in disbelief that I folded Jacks, but I was convincing. Too convincing.
He thinks I am super tight and will fold to any big bet.
Next hand, I have K-J. Mr. Donkey and I limp in.
Flop is K-J-10 rainbow. He bets out $15.
Yes, so I have top two pair with a straight out there. No way he has Q-9 or A-Q.
I raise to $45. Everyone folds. Except Mr. Donkey.
He goes over the top all in.
I insta-call and show top two pair.
Turn is a blank.
At this point, I am a 96% favorite to win the hand assuming he is on a straight draw. I figure if he had the nuts on the flop, he would have slow played it. Then again, maybe not. He is a donkey.
River is an Ace.
Mr. Donkey shows me Q-4 for a straight.
Damn Donkeys!
If I had a chip for every time a player that was in a hand that they should not have been involved with in the first place, but somehow caught the miracle one-outer, I would have alot of chips.
The player’s reasoning is they were “gambling” when they made the call.
They are gambling alright. With MY money. In the short run anyway.
I am a level-headed player. Big wins don’t excite me and bad beats don’t anger me. I go full-on tilt when someone either does a hit-and-run or slowrolls me. Given a choice, I prefer the hit-and-run.
Last night, I am under the gun with A-Q off. I make it $10 to go and get 8 callers.
With $90 in the pot and a flop of Qc-6c-3d, I bet $90.
Three players fold, the next player goes all in for $143, and the table folded around to me.
I call and show.
The player says “You are good so far.”
Turn is another 6 and the river is a deuce.
The player, with cards still face down and the hand over, starts talking to the woman next to him. She apparently folded a 6 and had second-thoughts about folding middle pair on the flop.
And we wait, and wait, and wait for the conversation to end.
Then he shows A-A.
Squarely in my sights for the rest of the session, I make it my one and only goal to felt him in retaliation for the slowroll.
Next time, don’t slowroll me bro.