Rounders, Inc.

[This post is part of my series on Mike McDermott quotes from the movie Rounders]

“Listen. Here’s the thing. If you can’t spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.”

Easy games. Tough games. Home games. Casino games. Crooked games. Straight games. Every game has at least one sucker at the table. Even the High Stakes Poker television show has a sucker at the table in every episode.

To play profitably, you have to know who you can beat at the table. And who you can’t beat.

What a brutal session!

My first hand was A-A. It held up for a $100 profit.

Then, it was all downhill from there.

Missed flops and forced blinds took me down to even.

Then up another hundo.

Back down to even.

Up a couple hundo.

Then down to the felt.

It was a terrible session for me. A combination of bad players and my fatigue.

There was, however, some symmetry to the session.

My last hand was A-A.

I could see an aggressive player stacking chips behind me for a pre-flop raise. So, I call a $10 straddle.

With nearly $100 in the pot, this player bets the pot.

The straddler calls.

I smooth call.

That was mistake #1. I should have popped it right there, knowing all the chips will be going in anyways.

Terrible flop: J-10-6 rainbow.

The straddler puts me all-in.

I am way ahead with A-A over J-8 off.

Bam! The turn is an 8 and the river is a 5.

Hee haw to the pinche burro grandes.

All night long, I got unlucky.

I take responsibility, though. I should have left with a small profit when I started feeling tired.

And, when the game changed to a bunch of drunk donks thinking they were on ESPN, I should have left.

If donkey brutality was a crime, the jail here would be full.

I was forced to sit in seat 4 in a $1 - $2 - $100 spread limit game last night.

It was one of the softest games I ever sat at. An entire table of weak fishes.

I felt great and my reads were 100% dead on.

I had one playable hand in three hours: Q-J where I turned a King-high straight and rivered Broadway.

At this point because of blinds, I was roughly even for the night.

Seat three opens up, so I move.

The first hand after the move, the person who had my old seat, raises to $15.

I was in the big blind with J-6 hearts. I chose not to call the extra $10 even though he had seven callers.

The flop? J-J-6.

My opponent - you know - the one in my old seat - had A-A. The first pocket pair since I sat down at the table.

This was the beginning of the end. I hate missing opportunities like that.

Blinded off for the next two hours, I get Q-J in early position.

Some donkey raises and I call like two other players do.

With $100 in the pot, the flop comes Q-J-3 rainbow.

I bet $50.

The original raiser calls me.

The turn is a 9. Perfect rainbow.

I bet $100 on my top two pair hoping to price out any straight draws that want to go 989-to-1 runner-runner longshots.

I get min raised.

I call out his hand and re-raise.

He thinks for a couple minutes, counts out the chips, and calls.

The river is a 10.

Fuck.

I know my opponent had a King.

He bets $100.

I call to see the King.

Sure as hell, he raised me on a gutshot and hit the gut shot with K-2 offsuit.

I read it right. I played it right.

And I lost 80% of my chips.

The rest of my chips went in the middle with 5-5 against A-K.

Some A-K loving donkey that runs that trash hand to the river no matter what kept calling me on every street.

I knew he had A-K.

The flop was 4-4-3.

Why play Ace high with that flop for 50X the big blind bet?

The turn was a 6.

Somehow, he thought the 6 helped him because he was playing back at me with Ace high.

Of course, the river is a King.

Felted by another donkey.

I seriously think it is quittin’ time for me.

I played with two of the world’s worst poker players last night. The absolute worst.

My experience with extremely bad players is they have an abundance of luck.

One of the donkey twins called a $100 pre-flop bet at a $1-$2 game with J-2 off. He flopped J-2-2 to crush A-A.

My table image is typically strong, so guys like this usually get out of my way. Usually.

Two critical hands went like this: Worst Player #1 bets $25 blind from under the gun.

Another player, a marginal player makes it $100 to go.

I make it $225 to go with A-10 spades.

I know I am good pre-flop.

Both call.

The flop comes 10h-6-h-3c.

Both players check to me and I bet the pot.

Both call.

The turn is 4s.

I put both players all-in on a read that the Worst Player #1 has a heart draw and the other player has a small pair.

Both call.

The river is Ah.

Worst Player #1 shows 8-2 hearts and takes down the main pot.

The other player had J-3 off.

The side pot is big enough to put me back to where I started, more or less, before the hand.

I put it in good all the way and the worst player got lucky.

A couple hands later, Worst Player #2 sits down at the table. He gets lucky with back-to-back K-K. Hoo-rah!

I then get 8-8 and re-raise a player with what smells like A-K. I make it $100 to go.

Worst Player #2 calls and the original player folds.

The flop comes Kd-9-h-10h.

I feel I am good, so I pump another stack of red into the pot ($100).

My opponent ponders the call for a few moments and says, “That flop was good for my hand.” Then he calls.

I do not put him on any King or pocket 9s or pocket 10s.

The turn card is Ks.

I bet the pot with my Kings up.

Worst Player #2 calls.

The river? The  miracle heart.

Worst Player #2 is priced out but calls with 7-6 hearts: a gut shot straight flush.

Keep in mind that I have the 8 of hearts he needed to actually hit.

These players mindlessly pump all their chips into the pot and use extremely good luck to beat me.

How does the night end? I flop the nut straight against Worst Player #2 who then caught runner-runner 6s for a full house: A 989-to-one longshot.

The problem with these kind of players is they will do what you do. If you check, they check. If you bet, they call.

I have yet to have found a strategy to play against the world’s worst yet luckiest players.

I know this: luck runs out and over time, they will be scratching their broke asses wondering how they got beat.

But the rent is due in both the short term and long term.

I got unlucked. Again.

Day 4 in a row.

Five out of six.

And it is sick.

I don’t want to go on and on about bad beats, but these are just sick.

For your entertainment and my therapy, here is what happened yesterday:

I am in the big blind with 8-6 off.

The player under the gun limps in.

The player two off the big blind also limps in.

Everyone else folds.

The flop comes 7-5-4 rainbow.

I flopped the nut straight.

I have three options:

1. Fold the nuts since my hand can only get worse;
2. Bet the nuts hard like most marginal-to-bad players;
3. Check the nuts.

I choose check.

Next player bets big.

The next player re-raises big.

Now what?

I am thinking BB+1 has an over pair and BB+2 has either two pair or a set.

I have both players beat. I am way, way ahead in this hand.

I choose to smooth call.

BB+1 goes all-in.

BB+2 calls.

What choice do I have? I have to call. I have the fucking nuts.

BB+1 shows K-K.

I laughed to myself.

How can anyone play K-K with a straight on board and a re-raise?

BB+2 shows bottom two pair.

I start running the scenarios through my head.

If the board pairs 4 or 5, I am beat. There is a 16% chance of this on the turn and 9% chance on the river.

Mr. Kings can only win with runner-runner 7s, runner-runner Kings, or running King and 7, 5, or 4.

For all intents and purposes, Mr. Kings is damn near drawing dead.

The turn is a 7.

Wow.

Now Mr. Two Pair has three pair. He still needs a 5 or 4 and is a 9-to-1 dog.

Mr. Kings, however, is half-way to making a hand. Any King or 7 has me beat. Like Mr. Three Pair, he also has a four-outer and is a 9-to-1 dog.

I start to think my bad run is finally over.

I will finally beat the bad players (neither one of these guys should have committed all their chips with this flop) with skill.

The river card comes.

It is a 7.

Mr. Kings went runner-runner full house.

I got unlucked. Again.

I played it right. And got outdrawn and outlucked.

The session has a bit of symmetry to it.

I rebuy and find myself with K-K.

I bet hard pre-flop and get one caller.

I put him on a weak ace.

The flop comes Ks-Kd-Qd.

I check the quad Kings.

My opponent bets hard.

I call.

The turn is 10d.

Now there is a straight, flush, and royal flush possibility.

In the casino I am at, quads beaten by a royal flush would pay a $300,000 bad beat jackpot.

I check.

My opponent “Ace” bets hard.

Ok, a really really bad player would bet hard on the nuts. But we are talking possible bad beat here. Even the worst players would not want me to fold.

I put him on four to the flush and smooth call.

The river card is … yes, you guessed it: a fucking nightmare! It is the Jd.

Ace makes his royal flush. That is the bad news. The worst news is he did it with one card which makes us ineligible for the bad beat jackpot.

I check.

He bets off the rest of his chips.

I fold and show quad Kings.

He shows Ad-6h.

“You called $50 pre-flop with that hand?” I ask.

“Sure. I had an ace.”

No, you got damn lucky.

And I got unlucked. Again.

I have been running bad lately. Real bad.

Card dead for a week. And it is getting expensive.

I know running bad is part of the game, but it is getting ridiculous to the point of deja vu.

The problem with playing low limit games is dealing with donkeys that call anything. They cannot do the math and seem to never know how far behind they are.

These donkeys think they have a flush draw on every rainbow flop.

These donkeys think they have a straight draw when they are three cards to a straight.

Every night for the past week, I have lost all my chips on Q-Q. Yesterday was no different.

After waiting three hours for a playable hand, I get dealt Q-Q under the gun. I get four callers.

With $100 in the pot and a rainbow flop of 9-6-3, I push all in for another $180.

The two biggest donkeys at the table call. I know at this point I am both ahead and behind.

Fourth street is a 5 and fifth street is a 7.

One donkey turns over 5-7 offsuit. He went runner runner for two pair.

The other donkey turns over 8-4 offsuit for a runner runner straight.

How can anyone call $20 preflop with these garbage hands in a $1-$2 game?

The bigger question is how can I get so unlucky when I am clearly the favorite all the way to the river?

Bad is bad.